Tuesday, September 28, 2010

This Wind

As the buildings who hide you knew nothing bout time
But an arrow just brushin' your chin
You said, "Damn be this wind is still movin' on in
To the bones and the bed of my soul."

"This Wind" - The Tallest Man on Earth

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It's crazy windy tonight. The darkness is warm and wet without humidity, a careful calm stirring after days of on and off rain.

I haven't been waking well. I sleep when I have time, and that seems to go okay. But waking? Ugh. Terrible. There's too much in my head, so much I'm learning during the day and then I'm working overdrive to process things when I sleep,. Every time I wake up it's like I can feel my whole body screeching and wailing to a halt. Like, "EXCUSE ME, I'm busy being asleep and trying to compensate for all this crap, do you mind?" And I do mind. I mind a lot. The physical reaction I have had lately to waking up is extreme and extraordinarily unnerving.

When I woke up to the sound of earth-rattling planes flying overhead on Sunday I had the distinct thought of "Well, that's it then. It's over. We're dead. A bomb is about to rip through my window and fire us all into nuclear holocaust." And I shook with dread until I willed myself back into sleep, if for no other motivation than I would rather die without noticing. It was bizarre. I've never had a thought like that before, but when another plane flew over a half hour later I thought "Oh THIS is the one that'll do it. Dammit, I thought we got away with surviving the last one." It's crazy, and I know I was just caught in the middle of a sleep cycle or something nuts that altered my sense of reality, but holy hell that was awful.

Tonight I took a quick nap before the DREAM (mentoring program) meeting. I've been trying to steer clear of napping, but I'm so sleep deprived and homework obsessed that I just couldn't avoid it. I surrendered to sleep, but woke up to the feeling of my whole body shaking. At first I thought I was still dreaming, but I put my hand to my heart and felt it clamoring against my chest, felt the surges pump through my body and literally shake me on my bed. "Shit," I thought, "Where's this coming from?" I hit the snooze button on my alarm but when I woke a few minutes later I was claimed by a vicious and bitter feeling that snarled "What is the point of getting up? The earth is overpopulated, biodiversity rates are plummeting, the earth has become a giant toilet, what exactly will it matter if you get out of bed right now and slosh through the rain up to campus?" Again: Holy Shit. As soon as I got up and got moving I shook it all off, but daaaayyyum that was pretty nasty! I'll admit that I worry about that stuff and that my current classes have contributed to a confusing mindset of simultaneaous dread/fatalism and newfound activism... but thinking that I shouldn't get out of bed because it's all over with? I'm not writing about this to be dramatic... it's more in awe of how absurdly dramatic I can be when I'm trying to come up with reasons to keep my overly exhausted ass in bed, and I'm just newly shocked and slightly afraid of the power of the brain when it's pissed off and overworked.

Walking back home from campus tonight after the meeting I was newly struck by all the reasons to get out of bed. The wind was strong but oh so warm and made me wish nightsailing was even a remotely possible option for the evening. the grass was so thick and wet I wanted to roll in it, and I truly wanted to drink the air. I've been touching leaves and trees lately (especially the Black Ash on my street) and when I got to a big Oak that stands outside the house next door to mine I pulled the branch down gently so that all the drops would rain on me. I'm learning that even though I could always say "Ilovermont" with confidence, I'm in love Burlington like never before.

Damn I love this wind, keep moving on in- to the bones and the bed of my soul.

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